The love for God, even though she’s a easter convert. Like really looking forward to meeting God at service on saturday.

God, it’s by your grace that it’s like this. You are the one who makes things happen, not us.

God, help me nurture my love for you to be greater and greater.

Because your love compels me.

And when I’ve got to give up certain things for you, I want to do it knowing that it pleases you. And that’s all that matters.

I cannot control people’s response, but I’m only accountable to God.

Your Grace is Enough!

Oh ya, thanks for the off these few days. Going to put it to good use.

This is one of the 3 sub-challenges that Bruce gave to us on sat vision night.

I really think that God wants to stretch me at this point of time.

At a time when I say, “I want to claim the promise that my cup overflows.”

[Psalm 23:5d] “my cup overflows”

And you know what, the past week was really tiring! Like seriously, because of a lot of factors. And I was like, God is definitely responding to my “my cup overflows claim”. But let me say this, God really DID sustain me. Kind of amazing how the past week went by.

And as I was praying last week, God just dropped this verse into my mind.

[Isaiah 54:2]
“Enlarge the place of your tent,
       stretch your tent curtains wide,
       do not hold back;
       lengthen your cords,
       strengthen your stakes.”

I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t want to end up just chionging, enduring. But I want to do it with the grace of God. With joy.

God, today, as I was teaching, I really felt inadequate. I seriously felt that I have not been doing my best. And I know that I have so many areas to grow in. Help me.

Love. God, you remind me that love has got to be the foundation of all these. You remind me that love has to be shown, not just kept in the heart.

Without love, we are just a resounding gong.

Imagine being likened to a gong. Lol.

And I think was confused about how I want to take this batch. Until I feel a bit schizo. Lol. Was really a bit confused about myself.

But above that, encountered some shit bah. Some unfairness or when I detect sth funny. Some things when I encounter I just totally feel uncomfortable and feel like exploding. At one point of time I just wanted to shout.

And then whenever such things happen, I will try my best to ask “So God, what are you trying to do through this? How do you want me to react when I encounter things like that?”

And I would even end up blaming God.

But again and again, I was reminded that “God is for me, not against me.” I so need to realise this. That God is never against me.

I need to pray more when my emotions seem to be taking control of me. One point during fri’s sermon hit me so strongly.

[Genesis 4:6-7] “⁶ Then the LORD said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? ⁷ If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.” 

God gave me emotions. But when my emotions are too overwhelming and I’m losing control, I need to stop myself and pray. And really pray for the Spirit to guide me.

I can also feel temptations increasing. Yep. I need to master it.

It’s the same as today when my parents quarrelled. Like they seriously quarrel every cny and it’s so easy to spot the issue. My dad just likes to let out his emotions instead of trying to solve the issue.

And I totally felt like exploding.

“In your anger, do not sin.”

I think growing is tough. But then I know it’s essential. The price of not growing is really huge.

Word of the week: BOW

The image of bowing before God just kept hanging in my mind for this whole week. God’s yoke is light. I don’t need to do this myself.

And a few other blessings:
1) I managed to talk to my cousin a bit more. I think I want to build up this r/p. And it’s really great to talk to him.
2) Meet-up with zhu ying and ruoshuang. We almost couldn’t meet up. But really thank God for the time.
3) The chance to see so many hope brothers in tekong now. Haha. It’s quite cool to be able to see hope ppl so often in a day. And special mention to melvin. His faith amazes me. What bruce said is so true about him coming for service after book-out in uniform: He’s secure. Though I don’t book out with fieldpack liao, but you ask me go for service in uniform, I would really think twice.
4) Going for service on friday! I was really quite sad I couldn’t make it cause cny celebration was at first scheduled at night. Turns out to be on fri noon so I made it for service. And I wasn’t late. A great time of meeting God.
5) Surviving 2 emcee tasks in camp within a week. Friends would probably know how tough this is for me. But really thank God for the strength!

Tmr is cny with cg and huang cheng peepx! Yea!

To walk with God, I first and foremost need to pray more. Prayer and the Word, our most powerful weapon.

To win the war, I first need to trust in God. That what Jesus said, would exactly be what would happen at the end.

And I need to stop thinking that I can work my own sanctification on my own efforts. I live by grace. Receive grace, stop achieving.

I mean like why I keep struggling over and over the same thing. Because whenever I want to recover, Satan will try to stop me and attempt to throw me back into unworthiness, condemnation etc. And it has been working so far.

I just realised I’m in a spiritual battle. Satan wants to prevent me from enjoying a life of intimacy with God. Satan doesn’t want me to enjoy the life God intended me. I’m under attack!

And I need to fight back!

Like someone said before, if I take one step forward today, I have a higher chance to stand up against it tmr. But if I step back today, it would be harder to muster the next feet forward.

Today on the way home, just worshipped God with “Desert Song” over and over again. Prayed and everything before entering home.

This is a battle. And before you forget, you are in this too.

[2 Samuel 23:10]
“but he stood his ground and struck down the Philistines till his hand grew tired and froze to the sword. The LORD brought about a great victory that day. The troops returned to Eleazar, but only to strip the dead.”

Stand my ground and fight, God will bring about the victory.

I’m still learning how to really walk with God. I suppose this will take a lifetime, but yep, I really need to walk with God. A spiritual battle cannot be done alone. There’s no reason God does not want to see a breakthrough, victory in your life. He longs to see you walking in freedom, his plans, much more than you long to.

God, help me to learn to trust you. Help me to trust in your character. God, grow me. AHH! I want to grow to my best every minute.

There’s a difference between growth and intentional growth. Intentional growth is going to take a hell lot of blood out of me, but that’s what we are here on earth for right? And time is running out!

God, you exposed me to my imperfections tonight. God, instead of feeling condemned about it, unworthiness, I know that God you will complete the good work in me. But first Lord, I want to make my heart soft so you may take over.

Satan, I will stand my ground.

- This was the closing point for the sermon: “Discipleship must be out of a heart for God. Loving what God loves.” This is so so important. I think sometimes shepherdings and stuff can become routine, when I forget why I’m going for shepherding. And this could easily translate into how I prepare for my shepherding too. Discipleship, done without love for God, could well become some moral education programme, teaching ppl the right values and skills etc. It’s supposed to lead people to God. I think I gained a deeper understanding of “If you love me, feed my sheep.”

- Another thing was “Disciples are responsible for their own spiritual growth.” This point kind of knocked me over I think. I think I have been losing ownership of my spiritual life. True, I might have been growing and all, but I think I have become a bit too dependent on my shepherd for direction. At the end of the day, I must get my source from God too. So I’m going to rethink, pray for the directions that I need to go for the next few months. Seriously, I see a lot of areas so gonna seek some wisdom.

Some other thoughts as I reflected about 2009 and for 2010:

- I need to delve deeper into the Word and gain a fresh touch from God. I know 2009 God already warned me about not anchoring myself on the Word with the prophecy from Yvonne. And truth be told, I think struggling in 2009 was so hard because I wasn’t faithful enough in the Word. So this year, I want to explore more about the Word. The Word is my weapon. There’s still so much more to discover. And I need to go deeper so I can be a greater disciple.

- This year is going to be hard. Seriously, somehow the tekong-ers all feel this way. it’s going to be challenging. Already see some potential threats. But that doesn’t mean we are going to fear and do nothing about it. Personally, this year definitely need to serve more and take ownership since many year 3s are moving on to uni. But I don’t want to get distracted from my walk with God. Ministry must be out of a flourishing r/p with the Lord. This I must remember.

- Last thing, going to ORD this year. Means I cannot be like last year, not thinking much about the future and beyond. Last year still can say “Aiyah, next year then uni application will start” etc. But this year cannot liao. So need to start getting down to that, start seeking. God can but might not just reveal just during some QT or whatever. But it takes time to pray and seek, to reflect, to seek wisdom from others, about what’s the next step I should take.

Last of all, come to think of it. I don’t think I converted blurly or whatever. The altar call song “Lover of my heart” did stay in my heart after that service. Somehow. And i will always remember the instant I converted, even though I didn’t intentionally do so. But this song just speaks to the depth of my heart. Seriously.

And I finally got the mp3 of the song thanks to dennis! haha.

But all I’m saying is, I’m enjoying my journalling with God. And sometimes, things just turn out the way you least expected.

I have been receiving lots of thoughts on directions, in fact, I think a bit too much. And I’m in that “thinking” mood.

And it has been some time since QT has been so alive and productive.

Sometimes I’m afraid of telling others what direction I’m heading, including some friends in church. Because sometimes I’m so afraid that I totally misinterpreted your message. And at the end, it will turn out to be a totally different thing. And then it will be like, “oh man…”.

But at the same time, I think I’m confident in the direction where God is leading me towards. Because I’m assured by you. Whenever I think, I cannot really deny how that wasn’t from you.

And today, I was feeling so joyful during praise and worship that I felt a bit weird. Like “erm… this is a weird emotion, it seems lost for quite some time”.

Haha. But God, you will challenge me in more ways than ever. You will mould me in more ways than ever.

Treasures in clay. Yea man. Walk by faith. Yes, God.

Went to marina barrage to join my parents and their friends for a gathering. Basically, drank tea, ate mooncakes and other food. And just chit chatted.

This group of aunties and uncles have basically seen me growing up, ever since young. And I’m thankful for them. Because I think my childhood was great with them and their children.

But tonight, only 2 of us, I mean the younger generation were there listening to them talk.

It’s actually quite understandable, because our younger generation don’t meet up that often and it often takes some time to warm up. But usually, at the end of the day, we would have lots of fun together. I mean, gone overseas pretty many times last time, and children are just easy to mix around. So we are kind of close in a sense.

It has been some time since I last saw these uncles aunties too.

Anyway, that’s besides the point.

What struck me was rather, that they were getting old.

One was panting after carrying the chinese tea set and the equipment for some distance. One almost fell while trying to sit on the floor, and needed help in getting up. Not to say that a few bellies were popping up.

What I’m trying to say is, our parents are getting older. And we as children need to do sth.

I think we all know that we need to be fillial kids. But do we really know?

If you aren’t a good child now, and you think, “aiyah, it’s ok. When I start working I will give more time to my family and I can also support my parents.”

Mind you, whenever we say, “wait till….”, it will never come.

If you don’t even have the heart to take care of your parents in the small things now, what makes you think you can take care of them in the big things?

We need to start practising how to care for our parents, to really observe them, know what they want. And not wait for 10 years down the road and start asking, “erm, dad, what do you like to eat ha?”

We need to start assuming more responsibilities at home. We need to start taking charge. Because we want to be prepared.

So anyone who’s reading this, can I urge you to be a better child tomorrow. Perhaps simple things like telling your parents where you are going, sitting down with them for a mere 5 more minutes than usual, is a good start.

For those with not too happy families, can I just hope that you will try to show love? Maybe your dad or mum don’t really care about you, but I think it’s important we love them. Because love can change things. Seriously. And I think if we don’t, we will grow to regret some day.

So why not just take a minute, to think what small changes you can make to your life, to start learning to be someone who can take care of your parents, be it emotionally, financially (being thrifty), spiritually, physically?

And start practising.